All this talk of crushes makes me wish I had news to report. No crushes looming. This might be helped by getting a new job. As it is 97% of all the females I work with are aged 16-18. If you get a crush on a sixteen year-old, you keep it to your damn self. Still, I'm not exactly a wiz with the ladies. Even ones my age. Most of my crushes I keep to myself. For better or for worse. I'm jealous of all of you.

Grandma came through her surgery ok and should be home by the end of the week.

I'm thinking about a Lake Effect redesign, but as it is I have no HTML skills so it might take a while. Before I do anything I'll make some samples and we'll have a vote or something. Whatever it is, it will be simple.

Tonight, after I play about 40 seconds of music on my trumpet in the orchestra concert here at UB my spring break will unofficially begin. And none too soon. It's amazing how you make time for things (usually at the expense of sleep) you want to do. i've been spending lots of quality time with Julia, it's really been wonderful. Things are still pretty new and magical sans poopiness on both our parts. It would have been impossible for either of us I think. We're just so into each other right now, and not so scared or worried about it either.

The most depressing song I've heard of late that comes to mind is Cat Power's version of Lou Reed's I've Found a Reason. I find it heart-wrenching. I think I might have mentioned this before, but The Cardigans' Rise and Shine depresses the hell out of me when I'm already down, but throws me farther when I'm up. Same with Dino Jr.'s Get Me. I used to think the Gorecki Symphony #3 (Symphony of sorrowful songs) was about as low as music could make you feel. That was a few years ago. Now I'm not so sure. I haven't listened to that piece in a little while.

I'm moving next week. Same building just upstairs to the bigger apartment that was recently vacated. It should help out a bit, my roommate and I we're getting a bit cramped. Things are going pretty well, except I'm tired a lot and busier and busier all the time. I think I'm about to go on a creative binge. It seems like there's so much to talk about. Maybe this week I'll catch us up.

Angie Joe - an estrogen love fest over SXSW sounds like a lot of fun.
NYC was amazing - exhausting, exciting, expensive. I saw so much great art and walked all over town. I love that place. It snowed which I NEVER get to see. I used all my film taking pictures of snow falling. New York is my favorite place to visit. My boy is ready to move there. As for me, I was happy to get back to laid-back, warm, familiar Austin.

*I* find IF I Should Fall Behind depressing, because I'm lonely and wretched. Most of the world would agree with me that its not a sad song. the lyrics aren't sad at all. At the most, they are "weary" or something.

if i should fall behind- is depressing because everyone wants someone who, if i should fall behind, will wait for me and lots of people haven't found that person "we all dream of a love lasting and true, but you and i know what this world can do" it's as much a question as a statment. it's also beautiful enough to get you a little misty.it's not a "shit, that guys got it rough" song. but whats with the crappy version on lucky town? the e street version and the unplugged version are achy.

borrowed tune is the saddest song ever.

Happy Mardi Gras everyone.
As for sad songs, last valentine's day my good friend made a happy/bitter mix tape but I guess bitter's not the same as sad - come to me when you need bitter song suggestions. Though I will say I think country does sad the best. But it's more of an ironic sad - like, how could I possibly be this sad and still sing about it. (am I making sense - I'm getting over a cold and feel like me head is floating several feet about my body - I also just got back in town from New York and am adjusting to moving at a slower RPM).
And to weigh in on the poopy boy discussion. The thing that bothers me most is the game playing - like you said, upma, you keep getting mixed signals. It's so very nice to meet someone, they like you and then they actually consistantly ACT like they like you. why is that so hard? If you don't like me I can deal, but why keep me guessing. But that's not my love life problem right now. My boyfriend wants to move. I don't want to. And I don't want a long distance relationship. Seems clear cut but it just sucks all around.

If I Should Fall Behind is NOT a sad song. Its a goddamn love song! Across the Border is sad Springsteen. Oh, how about Hor Burrito #1 by the Flying Burrito Brothers. That's a sad song. Or Every Grain of Sand by Bob Dylan. There are lots of sad Dylan songs. If you're looking for newer stuff, Crooked Fingers A Little Bleeding is a weeper.

the winner for saddest song ever has to be Neil Young's Borrowed Tune, in which he sounds like he is literally breaking down at the piano. It contains these lines, "I'm climbing this ladder/my head in the clouds/I'm hoping it matters/I'm having my doubts."

the reason i asked about the sad songs is because a freind of mine has asked me to make the saddest cd of all time. 80 min. of pure heartbreak. i'm talking way down at the bottom. a few choices already are the bbc version of since i've been lovin' you, promises by lyle lovett, and if i should fall behind by mr. springsteen. i'm looking for the kind of stuff that make grown men weep, not cry, weep.

i'd like to think i'm not poopy but i guess you'd have to ask meredith.

i bought a piano. i'm so very happy. i'm so very tired of work. it all works out though.

i need you guys to tell me the saddest songs ever.

My last substantial post was two weeks ago. I'm sorry guys. Stuff happens and I want to write and then I think that it will take too long to tell and even then I won't get it right, blah blah blah. I started to feel really bad about this habit tonight at work. I got a call from my mom and she told me about my grandmother being in the hospital (chest pains, awaiting a catherization and further test results). My grandmother's illness, and the illness of my uncle before that, were the fuel for my most indepth writings to the fan club list (shelly, louise, jt, johnny) and that urge is still there. I can't seem to make myself write about my horrible job and how I truly hate every moment I am there. I can't write about my friends and housemates. I probably wouldn't have mentioned good stuff like how much fun I had on Upma's film shoot today. (I played Gary the bartender and had five lines. It was fun.) Crisises of family make me want to write. But, I'll spare you tonight (and myself) and write more on monday when I know a little more about how things are. And I'll try to write about that other stuff too. I shouldn't take this forum for granted, but I do.

I'm drawing a blank, JT. Do you remember the context?

Zach, what was that little website you told us about a while ago. It was billed as simple music for common people or something along those lines. I was looking at this site: www.micromusic.net and it reminded me of this other site that I can't think of anymore, Help Me J,. Zachary Mull, You're my only hope.

i've been at work almost all the time since thursday. i have tommorrow off, i won't even get out of bed.
anyway since i'm addicted to music and lists, and to get my mind of work, my top ten driving-with-the-windows-down summertime albums
promise ring-very emergency
buffalo tom-sleepy eyed
lemonheads-come on feel and lovey.......shame is a winter time album. i can't explain it.
weezer-weezer
superchunk-on the mouth and here's where the strings come in
braid-frame and canvas
matthew sweet-all of them
boston-boston
acdc-highway to hell
neil young-ragged glory

i thought the beach boys were too obvious

Angie Joe - you should totally come to Austin during SXSW, I would love to see you!

Yeah - crushes everywhere!
Upma - we should get together when you're here for SXSW. The Austin Chronicle printed a lot of the movies and shows yesterday, and I've already found about a million I want to go to.

The last week and a half have been something very different for me. hanging out with my crush who I really can't call a crush anymore. we've sort of moved past that point. There's not much else to report besides that other than the usual business. And the fact that I'm typing this from my lovely new G4 with the pro keyboard that is so much better than the last generation of keyboards. The optical mouse is also exquisite.

I went to the squeaky wheel love and sex show last night. Saw Upma's video which was really nice, It fit well within the show. I picked up a program for you Upma, I can send it to you if you give me your address. You were on the same program with Tony Conrad, that's pretty cool. I didn't manage to get anything ready for the show and fealt lousy about it as I was watching everyone elses work. I did attend the show in my tuxedo though, to somehow make up for my slack lovesick ass. I've had a tux forever because it's required for playing in orchestra and band concerts. I haven't worn it in a while and I thought this was as good as an occasion as any. It was fun. A happ belated valentine's to all of you. I would tell you all so much more but I just can't, I'll be overwhelmed all over again. She too finally has a name (as opposed to "my crush"): Julia.

I just went to blogger to try and find the answer to this question but didn't see it. So, here it is: how do I put in pictures, links, change text, etc. in the blog? Is it just like html? Or what? thanks.
ps. happy valentine's day. I'm wearing the hot pink wig and a hot pink coat. it's making the day smoother. and I look like I work in a beauty salon.

My brain is atrophying. I've only processed invoices today (going on six hours now) and I am bored out of my gourd. Usually I like my job, but on days like today, I long for the creative, the intellectual, the anything but what I'm doing. I loathe paperwork. And papercuts. At least tonight I'm going to another one of those seminars, tonight's topic "Is there Love after Sex?" And then I'll watch the valentine's day Buffy. I can't wait for the second half of my day. bitch, moan, bitch, moan.

hi! sneaked some computer access at a job. condo is painted many colors. most boxes are not unpacked. filthy old men lived there. i cleaned the tub tile by tile with a razor blade after sprays were to no avail. the soapscum was so thick that when i was done the bathtub looked as if it had snowed. it did actually snow here. a little. i went to a japanese restaurant (all you can eat) called The Eating Factory. it was all neon and pastels with korean popstar videos and plastic palm trees . i have begun to befriend an eighty something year old painter who is sort of locally famous in the northwest school of the 1930s. he invited me to his wife's (his eighth wife's) fifty-th birthday party. i went to dinner with a stranger yesterday. i am going to see pantera and morbid angel and some other band tonight. i miss you all terribly and will make severly out of date replies to the many provoking things you've said the past week or two. except the record rankings. i'd have to sweat blood over that and i have a shitty music collection anyway. i leave for louisiana in a week for two. internet access will be sporadic then as well. email me your real addresses and i'll send postcards or perhaps pictures of mardi gras mahem. i want to really get into the lake effect webpage when i return.

love on the wire.-shell

JT-There's an not especially flattering piece on Tony Conrad in this week's Village Voice.

Also, their are MP3 samples of the new Depeche Mode album at depechemode.com. Unfortunately, album only sounds so-so. I'm pretty disappointed.

Angie Joe - you were in my dream last night - I was at some costume party/scavenger hunt at a bar here and you came all the way from Houston to give me a ride home. Interpretation? who knows, I guess my subconscious feels like it can count on you.

I am so vicariously excited for all the crushin' people out there. I find it's hard to feel like an adult when you have a crush. At the beginning of all my crushes, I can't hardly eat or sleep and must give a variety of nicknames to my crush, just to make it more fun to talk about them. (see what I mean about not acting like an adult).

I went to the gym last night and the only things on the magazine rack were Forbes and Spin. Now I used to like Spin but after five minutes, I put it back.

This weekend my little sister is coming to town, yeah! I'm sure that means lots of going out to eat and shopping (the only things my family seems to agree on to do together).

More busy-ness, I think I might have bit off more than I can chew this semester. But I'm having fun. My G4 came on Thursday, I couldn't set it up until Friday because I had to go buy an adapter for my old monitor. I spent most of Friday installing cracked software I got from friends and setting it up. I haven't really gotten to "work" on it yet. It's great, although it was upstaged this weekend by my crush. We sort of moved past the idle crush stage last night. If I was almost floating before I'm trying real hard to stay off the ceiling now. I'm not sure there's much else to say. I couldn't possibly begin to think about anything else like my top ten albums of all time although I know that My Bloody Valentine's Loveless and Sonic Youth's Day Dream Nation would be on there. And I would count Saint Etienne's entire ouvre as one album otherwise they would take up 5 or 6 slots. How am I supposed to get anything done today....this week?

these may be my favorite albums. off the top of my head. not, however, in order.
radiohead-the bends
neil young-all of the seventies albums
weezer-both albums
johnny cash-american recordings
lemonheads-comeon feel and shame about ray
elvis costello-my aim is true and all this useless beauty
allman bros.-the fillmore concerts
acdc-highway to hell
guns'n'roses-appitite for desruction
tom waits-franks wild years
these in addtion to zach's list. plus about twenty others are my favorite top ten albums of all time.

I'm glad you guys enjoyed the magazine. I don't know how to define my role in its production. John does all the layout and most of the business stuff. Friends do the writing and interviews. Everybody contributes to music, zine and book reviews. Basically, what I do is make sure the zine correct. I proof every page, usually twice. Occasionally, I have to rewrite someone's stuff a little. I also do some of the editoral stuff that John doesn't really get into. I try to help people flesh out their ideas. For example, Dave's Muhammad Ali piece needed to be tweeked a little before it could be published. Not because Dave is a bad writer or a dumb guy---in fact, Dave is a very good writer and a hell of smart guy---he just needed an outside voice to help him focus the whole thing. I don't write much, but I feel I am a good writer. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an arrogant ass, but I know that I have the best natural feel for good writing of the people for regularily contribute to Slave. Except, maybe for Charles Currier, who writes a piece for every issue. John's talents are more visual and organizational. My problem (with writing stuff) is that I'm really, really lazy. I cannot stress how truly lazy I am.

Thom Yorke once described Radiohead this way: "We're like the UN and I'm the United States." John is definitely the US is Slave's UN. I'm more like Britain. I'm the country that pretends to be important but really isn't.

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I have no idea what my top ten albums of all time might be. That sounds so much harder that best of 2000 or whatever. Jesus. How could I choose just ten? But, I'm willing to try. Here's the top ten as of 02.04.01 9:03 pm, without stopping to comb through my records.

1. Neil Young-Tonight's the Night
2. Rolling Stones-Sticky Fingers (and Some Girls, Black and Blue and Exile on Main Street)
3. The Who-Who's Next
4. The Band-The Band (also Big Pink and Stage Fright)
5. Superchunk-Foolish (and Here's Where the Strings Come In and On the Mouth)
6. Lemonheads-It's a Shame About Ray
7. Beach Boys-Pet Sounds (maybe Sunflower, too. I need more time to be sure.)
8. Depeche Mode-Violator (and ULTRA)
9. Faith No More-Angel Dust
10. Bruce Springsteen-Born to Run (and everything else, except the '92 records)
11. Afghan Whigs (and Black Love)

Wow. That list kind of surprises me. Springsteen, Afghan Whig and the Band are the only three of those I've come upon in the last five years. And there's a total absence of punk and hip-hop. Maybe those are too new to me. Interesting.

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I'm sorry about your cat, Thaddy. I know you liked him more than you let on. And though he may have tried to kill me on many occasions, I'm sad to hear he's gone.

---

Had a rough afternoon at work. This horrible English woman booked a birthday party at the theater. She was a handful. She looked about 30-35, former beauty queen, one spoiled rotten kid, too much time, too much money. She had these astonishing diesel-powered fake boobs. I swear they looked like they were ready to launch. So, she arrives an hour early. She asks why there are no "balloons and festive plates and napkins." Wahid tells her that there are plates (black) and napkins (white) and we have no balloons. She begins to cry. It went downhill from there. Eventually, she screamed so much that I went to Party City and bought some damn festival balloons, plates and cups. They blew up the balloons but never touched the plates or the cups.

In the end, they trashed the party room and the theater they watched their movie in, made us order them an extra pizza at our expense, took too much of our time away from the 4000 other customers who came today and then refused the pay full price because we had no balloons or festive plates when they got there! Wahid, demonstrating why he gets paid more than me, remain perfectly calm and polite the whole time. Amazing! We figure it out later and found that the birthday party ending up costing the theatre about $20.

i have no idea how old my cat was. less than a year. i really didn't think i'd be very sad over a cat i didn't want very much, i will miss it though. i don't want to tell my girlfriend about delaware. she liked him alot.

Zach - thanks for the magazines. I look forward to going through them.

Since last weekend was planned to the max, I took the opposite approach this weekend. Which means I haven't been doing nearly as much. I did go see Palaxy Tracks on Friday night and then went out for drinks with Mason and his co-worker Ryan. Yesterday I worked and ran errands. Today I'm at work again and about to run even more errands. Okay, I take back what I said earlier, I think I prefer the weekends where I plan more social events because if I don't, I just end up doing things I need to do, not stuff I want to do.

Mike - I totally agree with your Survivor comments. Did I tell you that this guy Gavin I used to work with in college is an associate producer for the show? He also worked on the first Survivor. Now he lives in L.A. My friend Alison said she's been trying to get him to spill on who wins and even though he now has malaria, he still won't tell. Not that I really want to know anyway. I hate spoilers.

i am running on four hours sleep after working a twelve hour day. i woke up this moring to the sounds of the neighbor's dogs eating my cat. i have to go to a three hour meeting at work and then work for six more hours. i hate those bastards( dogs and coworkers). i haven't been in this bad of a mood in long time. someone will get hurt.

i don't i can tell you how much i liked o, brother where art thou? it was one those movies that half way in to it you realise this could possibly be one your favorite movies. it doesn't happen offen, to me anyway. it happened three times last year. fight club, american beauty, and saving private ryan are amazing to me. i will love them for a long time. i really enjoyed the matrix in the theater, but i had to buy it on dvd to love it as i do now.

since everybody else gets honorable mentions, jets to brazil is really good
jupiter is really good but it's gets very boring
elliot smith- figure 8
sleater kinny-all hands
it's probably not cool anymore but i still have a soft spot for the promise ring, i live in hickory i don't have to be cool.
i also feel my list was not taken at it's fullest because of the inclusion of hootie and the blowfish. i will not apologise. i love hootie.

My folks just mailed a king cake to work for me. Mmm, the smell of sugar is the smell of home.
Mike - I am a total Survivor addict. Didn't you think Jerri was being the biggest bitch last night - so manipulative. I felt so sorry for Kel. So I've been watching the show with the same group of friends that I watched Survivor 1 with. And one of them is working on her PhD in communications. She's currently working on a paper called "Media in the Home" which will be based on the group of us watching Survivor and how we interact. So now I'm a focus group, a source of data for her. It adds an interesting element to watching the show, knowing you'll also be part of an academic paper. But back to the show, my favorite so far is Roger which probably means he won't be on that long. What do you think?

Mike: Interesting Hydrahead fact. About two months ago hydrahead.com posted a long response to criticisms from "the press" that they had been receiving about their shitty release schedule problems and their habit of making collectable records rather than records that people can actually buy. I'm proud to say that I am "the press" in this case. Their response was triggered by my review of the Boy Sets Fire/Coalesce split in Slave #4. (which, by the way, is a really badly written review, I realize in retrospect. You see now why I don't really write that much for Slave.) They've been getting "hate mail" for a long time and I think my review is the straw taht broke the camel's back. Aaron from Hydrahead actually wrote and told me this. He was totally defensive though. The tone of the hydrahead.com post is about the same as the email he sent me. But here's the kicker, I checked the site a few days ago and found that they are now busting people for selling their records on ebay. heh heh. I guess I made my point after all, stoners!

Here's their response to my review (which I don't have on my computer, sorry).

And the most recent ebay thing.

moved. posted a LONG response to the intrusive survey. lost it. have to tell you about moving, seattle public art and latest public monument dramas. won't have internet hookup at home for 2 weeks then i'll be out of town for 2 weeks so i'll be pretty sparse on other people's connections and borrowed time

. i love the year end lists. i have zach's old ones saved somewhere for the day when i start building a cd colection that doesn't suck. i'm terrible at ranking things so i love the countdowns. so thank you for the lists. and zach thank you for the magazines. i got them today. gotta go!

I think the Bridget Jones sequel is called "The Edge of Reason." I started reading it in the bookstore - it's pretty similiar to the first book, but I liked that one so maybe I'll read the sequel anyway.
My college offers a seminar that alumni can attend. Last year it was "Perspectives on Truth." This year it's "Perspectives on Love" So a few nights ago I got to listen to two philosophers, a biologist, a lawyer, a psychologist and an actor/theater teacher debate "What is Love?" Very interesting. If I can gather all the comments into something cohesive, I may try and get a valentine's day piece out of it for magnet&steel.