I head home tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Have a good week everyone.

Kanui - that's totally stinky of your friends' parents. How mature of them.
Okay - I have a knitting question for you. I've been knitting, and I find that my hands start cramping when I knit for an hour or more. Do you get that? Do you start every project with hand stretches? Am I holding my needles wrong?
Retail is hell during the holidays. Season of joy, hardly.
Class went well last night. Though I was exhausted by the end. Being asked questions and asked for help for four hours took a lot out of me. But I did bring myself an apple (an apple for the teacher - a little joke for myself) to eat on the way home.

So I'm teaching my photo class tonight. My teacher has to photograph something at work and can't make it and doesn't want to cancel class. So from 6pm to 10pm tonight, it'll be Ms. Stephanie. Well, no, not really. We'll just be printing. But I'm looking forward to the experience. See how I like this teaching stuff. Though I was planning on getting a lot of printing done myself, so hopefully everyone will be low-maintanence.

Things broken:
Car
Heater in our house
Socks
Blue pants

Things fixed:
Hair
Button on grey pants
WIndows Media Player codec problems

Habits gained:
Bed making
Twice daily teeth brushing

Habits broken:
Staying up too late
Daily soda intake
Extruded Fantasy Product boycott

Babies played with (this week):
Grace
Hudson

CDs purchased (with credit):
Anomoanon - Asleep Many Years in the Wood
Teenage Fanclub - Howdy! and Songs from Northern Britian
Glenn Gould - A State of Wonder
Pearl Jam - Binuaral and Riot Act

CDs ordered:
Morrissey - Vauxhall and I
Rolling Stones - Between the Buttons (UK) and Their Satanic Majesties Request

So long.

Dear Prince,

I'm so sorry. A few weeks ago I was in line at Edritos (a local tex-mex joint) when a woman in her late 40s/early 50s started clumsily singing the chorus to "Raspberry Beret." I thought to myself, is this what Prince has become? Are you really that easy listening? Does time really kill all controversy, or does a good pop song ultimately reveal itself to the unsuspecting, oblivious masses without any regard for the ship it sailed in on? I haven't forgot your performance on Letterman years ago when you sang into a microphone, highly phalacized, shaped also like a gun. At the end of the performance you touched your finger to your butt and then to your head and collapsed as if fainting from your own perversity. If it's any consollation, I still find your antics unsettling, uncomfortable today, and it's great. You occupy this space so that I don't have to, because I can't. Still, it's hard to reconcile, this woman's stumbling around your artifacts, barely singing the chorus without even including the hand claps, a blatent disrespect for the mighty lexicon I know you represent. Was that really you in the new Missy Elliot video, I don't believe it, you shouldn't either. Hang in there Prince, you've got you're name back, everything else will come soon. I have my fingers crossed, unfortunately I think that's all I may ever be able to do for you.

J.T.

***********************

Recovering my journals now, my unsent letters to celebrities, months on Robot Penisula, getting finger prints to sing, wrestling baryton performers into a half submission, watching a piece I wrote born to the incubator, alive, kicking but for only so long. Organizing electronic music concerts with surprise pieces by myself, sometimes I almost believe what good the people say about me, but I know better. Designing a new batch of bots for a Candy Store exhibition at the moment, organizing a second electronic music concert downtown, generating some excitement somewhere. Tony Conrad mentioned my name on the Radio sometime last week, it was just the Buff State college radio station, when asked who he thought was doing some interesting stuff around here he said "J.T." at least that's what he told me, it's certainly not the same as winning film competitions, or organizing music tours, or writing a novel or writing a song like 'sick day' or magically transferring polaroids or painting thirty paintings with only 12 days left or deciding to apply to teach the whole of america. I'm starting two new fictional art movements. The Recentists and the Post-Paralogistics, I'm not sure what they represent but the manifestos will be available shortly. You're welcome to join either movement or both, although their theories are quite oppositional, even confrontational, you'd have to come to terms with yourself, I'm doing it too. Does Lake Effect have a manifesto, it seems like any one of you could write one. I mean everyone should, maybe this is a lake effect manifesto. Maybe I'm writing a Lake Effect manifesto right now. Maybe right now you're reading a Lake Effect manifesto, maybe every post is a Lake Effect manifesto, how does it make you feel, does it make you feel. All Lake Effectors feel. Lake Effectors make it snow, Lake Effectors are snow, light, massive, individual, downward flowing notions of upwardness, ascendant, weightless and heavy, relentless and fluffy. Forces of nature and circumstance, a combination of Geographical and Geothermal conditions. Moisture and Air, Currents and Luck . It snowed here for two days straight, which lake effector did that. Nothing stuck. Nothing sticks anymore. Lake Effectors always stick. It's about our stickyness, how we accumulate. Lake Effectors exact change, Lake Effectors have exact change. Lake Effectors pay in exact change, when they can. I'm trying, I'm trying,

**************

$.02

Surrogate parenting is a tricky issue, tricky because at one level somebody is paying for the use of a woman's body, it's not hard to equate it at a very basic level to other types of payment for use situations (read prostitution). On the other hand the reasons for surrogate parenting aren't quite so hedonistic, so exploitative (is that a word) or is it? At the least, it's less immediate. There is something selfish, something narcisistic, something about pleasure, involved with the desire to have children, and noteably the desire for heridity. The creation of life is far less problematic for most, especially in the context of the psuedo-naturalistic facade that surrogate parenting fosters. The ethical dividing line on surrogate parenting seems quite different than that of prostitution or abortion. It might be worth continuously re-examining personal ethical positions on alternative birthing as much as people do with various forms of birth control and sexual practices.

Saying that reproductive politics is a discourse that is exclusive to women is a bit dangerous. I know that it's men who have almost exclusively made legal policy on issues regarding women's reproductive rights, and there's been very little that's satisfying or justifiable about that, and clearly is something that still needs to be rectified. To remove men from the discussion entirely seems reactionary though, stooping to a level that is in opposition to the feminist cause. Regardless of the amount of care, respect, thoughtfulness, emotion or candor a man puts into an argument about reproductive rights, in particular, it seems to be met with a level of skepticism, a consistant "knee jerk" dismissal. Disallowing men the "right" or any credibility to discuss reproductive and sexual-polictical issues heightens the mystification or re-mystification of the female body (in conjuction with an increasing marginalization of the male body), something that I would argue contributes largely to current problems.

***************

I'll leave you with this for the moment, from Jean Baudrillard's "The Ecliptic of Sex" (I'm really sorry that it came down to some French critical theory)

"Ours is a culture of premature ejaculation. Increasingly, all seduction, all manner of seduction (which is itself a highly ritualised process) disappears behind the naturalised sexual imperative, behind the imperative and immediate realisation of desire. Our center of gravity has in fact shifted towards a libidinal economy, which only allows for the naturalisation of a desire attached either to drives or to a mechanical functioning, but above all to the imaginary of repression and liberation.

Nowadays, one no longer says 'You have a soul and you must save it,' but:
'You have a sexual nature, and you must try to put it to good use.'
'You have an unconscious, and it, [id] must speak.'
'You have a body, and you must enjoy it.'
'You have a libido, and you must expend it.' Etc..."

Baudrillard positions his entire discussion around the idea that if the masculine and feminine can really be put into a type of opposition it is this; The masculine is production and the feminine is
seduction, and in this regard if there has been a war of the sexes it has continuously been won by the feminine. While I don't buy it all (in fact I've been struggling with much of it lately, he asks good questions, I'll give him that much) the above quote surfaces as a type of relief, a realisation that these conflicts of body, libido, sexual nature are generated from external cultural, largerly economic forces as much as self-inspection and self reflection. It also asks the question of what our current culture finds appropriate to prostelitize without any sort of backlash, the role that desire has come to play, a reinterpretation of what "the pursuit of happiness" entails.

*********

Zoe Beloff said in a conference call to my seminar class with Tony Conrad "that which is repressed always returns"

********

Sweet Kate, today I made eyes at you, and I think you made them back. What could possibly happen next (I wonder all the time)? We must forget it all, even Baudrillard, and just smile and smile.

Upma writes- "obviously, you don't whole heartedly believe in your argument because half of it is spent cutting Louise down."

Please reread what I wrote. I call Weez's post asinine, not Louise herself. L is smart and I respect her opinions on most subjects. If she doesn't know this already, then I'm sorry I haven't said it before. After that, I say that Louise is "buggin.'" I meant this to imply that she was talking out of her ass, that that she was stupid or lesser than me. Again, not "cutting Louise down."

Then she wrote: "argue like a man. (who, by the way, can never be pregnant)."

I'd like to know in advance when my lack of ovaries excludes me from the discussion.

---

Joe writes: "Surrogate birthing isn't necessarily unethical, but at the same time it's only emotionally clean and safe on paper."

Good point.

---

Weez writes: "Upma, I actually appreciate Zach going at me full force, cheap shots and all."

Yes, "buggin the fuck out." I am truly going for the cheap shots. I hope I get into heaven after that one.

Then: "Well, for the tiny segment of the population that can afford it."

Sure. But, we're not discussing the morality of pricing surrogate parenting out of the hands of most people. When we do, K, you and I will be on the same side.

"The offer that Mike is asking about is highly unusual"

You have the facts and I don't. No argument.

"This brings me back to ... why ... it sounds awfully suspicious. I leaped to a conclusion based on the money involved: to me, $750K does not sound like 'please be a part of my unique and special family.' It also sounds like this is not being arranged through a professional program. Again, I don't know this; it's speculation."

And I don't know either. My assumption was different from yours, but that's no big deal. If your point was that the whole thing sounds poorly handled and ripe for problems, then I probably wouldn't have replied at all. But, you then said that these people probably shouldn't be parents because they want to attempt surrogating a child. I think you are wrong and I said so. I'm not sure exactly what you think disqualifies them from parenthood. If you'd care to elaborate I'd be willing to listen.

"However, I ask why those resources would be devoted specifically to a biological child." then: "'A parent's biological attachment to a child doesn't end with birth, you know.'" Did I say that it would? What about attachment to a child, period? Why would "biological" be more desirable - it certainly seems to be for these parents."

You're thinking of this logically, which is fine, but it puts you in the position having to ask questions that, truth be told, you probably already know the answers to. Children, adopted or biological, if they're lucky, are loved and treated as such by their parents. If an adopted child feel secondary in some way, then the parents need to try to fix that problem. They all have first steps and first days of school regardless of their genetics. And that alone is probably worth it to a couple who just want a child. (I have two adopted cousins I love just as much as anyone else in my family, so I do have some perspective on what I'm saying.) But, I'm telling you that the satisfaction and happiness I get from seeing my brother's features on Grace's face is irreplacable. It means a lot to me to notice little things, like the fact that my grandmother and I have practically the same handwriting. You know, if I couldn't have children of my own, I might consider something like a surrogate program. If you think that makes me unfit, then bite me.

"On the other hand, I don't think it should be banned or made illegal."

How gracious of you.

---

Sorry for all the quoting and sorry to anyone who feels like I wasn't being nice to Kainui. She's a tough egg. She can take it.

Kainui wrote: "Anyone willing to pay that much has probably got something wrong with them. Seriously... Ethically, my stance is that someone willing to go to such extremes to have a child that is biologically their own shouldn't be a parent. Why is adoption or fostering not an option?"

K - Your whole post was just asinine. First of all, surrogate birthing is not an ethical problem. It's a viable option for couples unable to bear children. It's medically safe and can be emotionally safe as well. With counselling, boundries, and adequate communication, surrogates can have very loving relationships with both the parents and the child. There is nothing unethical about being a surrogate or having a surrogate carry your child. Second, adoption and fostering are both noble and worthwhile things, and maybe this couple should be considering them, but, really, implying that they shouldn't be parents because they are exploring their options to become biological parents? That's ridiculous. A parent's biological attachment to a child doesn't end with birth, you know. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a child that is part you and part your partner. It's not selfish or arrogant or anything like that. It's perfectly normal. They're not back-alley child thieves because they've decided to attempt surrogate parenting.

If I were advising your friend, Mike, I would tell her that if the couple want her to disappear after the child's birth, then she probably shouldn't do it. If, on the other hand, they're willing to allow a certain amount of continued connection with the child, then she should consider it. Assuming that's what she wants, too. I'd guess that the couple are offering your friend so much money because they know her and are certain she's the person they'd like to do this with. And I guess they can afford it.

"When a woman is unable to bear - there is probably a very, very good reason why."

What the fuck does this mean? Kainui, you're bugging the fuck out.

I am in the world of North Carolina. All morning I've been talking to the state archive, various historical societies, trying to track down all the random photos from sites I need to find. Zach - you don't happen to have a beautiful stock library of images from your state? Like of the Giant Chair and Giant chest of drawers in High Point? Or of the infamous white squirrel found in Brevard? The chicken coop at the Historic Latta Plantation? Or a wild boar running free? Or a film set at the Screen Gems studio? Or people camping on the Outer Banks? No....too bad. Guess it's back to the phone calling and research.

The last time I was really happy was the winter and spring of 2000. I was working full-time as a projectionist at the Terrace, but I was getting paid as a manager. I had my own little world up there. I read books and played guitar and looked after the movies. It was really wonderful. During January, I lived on the couch at Aycock St, with the guys I live with now. It was an exciting time. First time ever in a house that was an active community of its own. Brian Dingledine wrote a whole bunch of Days of War, Night of Love on the other couch that January. For all his faults, having a real live romantic anarchist mooch the same people you're mooching is an experence. Then, I was living by myself for a while, which was nice. I was taking a class on English modernists and loving it. I had money and friends and always something to do. I remember one night just lying on the roof of my apartment listening to "Backstreets" by Springsteen. It was a very happy couple of months.

Currently, however, my life sucks. Hard.

The one bright light is a new job at the local record store. They can't afford help, so they pay in store credit. So, I'm not paying my rent or anything. But, its good to be out of the house, seeing people and listening to music and talking shit.

Thanks, you guys. I was pretty shaken up for the next few days and not wanting to drive down that street, but I'm feeling much better now. I still get flashes of the accident coming back, but I'm sure in time, that will fade. I really appreciate the support. You bloggers (bloggies, what do we call ourselves?) are the best.

So my day yesterday was horribly bad. I was driving into work when this little kid, about 10 or 11, darted across the street in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes and laid on the horn. And there was that moment, you always see in movies, when we were staring at each other through my windshield. But he seemed to get out of the way but fell in the road, where incoming traffic was headed. I was frozen. Then he got up and ran off. Had I hurt him? Was he okay? My car wasn't moving. A woman driving by yelled out her window, "pull over" Right, I pulled over and went running after the little boy. He had just gone a block to a nearby grocery store. He was with a group of friends. I think he thought I was going to yell at him because he was avoiding my eye.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"I'm fine," he said.
"I'm not mad at you, I just want to make sure you're okay"
"I just hit my elbow when I fell down. I'm really sorry I ran in front of your car. I didn't see if because of the sun."
"You're sure you're okay?"
Then he started walking away. I walked back to my car incredibly freaked out and not sure what to do next. I started driving around the block, but felt really bad and went back to the grocery store. In the meantime, someone had called EMS and the police, thank goodness. I pulled in, and went to talk to one of the firemen (oh, there was a firetruck there as well).
"Are you all here about a boy getting hit by a car?"
"Yes"
"Is he okay?"
The EMS had checked him out and the boy was fine. He said I hadn't hit him with my car, he had just fallen running out of the way. So I went to talk to the police.
"Is there anything you need from me? Are you sure he's okay?"
The police said he was fine, and he was, enjoying being the center of attention talking to the cops.
"You can leave."
And they let the boy walk off with his friends to go to school. And I walked back to my car.
And proceeded to start crying hysterically. I cried all the way to work. I'm so glad the kid was okay but I was so shaken. It could have been so much worse. I was a zombie most of the workday yesterday and I still feel drained from the experience today.

Don't forget the Martians. They invented the rapidly expanding despotic empire when they impregnated the earth with life 6000 years ago.

At the risk of a long distance smack from Weez, the nerd in me, again, feels compelled to mention that the US has been at "this" about a hundred years longer than the Italians. Italy wasn't a country until the 1860s. Before that it was a bunch of autonomous states built around the old city-states. A big part of the reason they have such a loopy government (dozens of political parties and a new government for nearly ever year of their post-WWII existance) is the strong feeling on independence in those provinces. Which leads to one of the funnier ironies of Italian-American pride issues. The only Italians proud to be Italians are the ones who live in the US. Italians in Italy are proud to be Sicilian or Sardinian or Venusian.

weez-I agree with you wholeheartedly that Dems are sometimes as bad or worse than Republicans (I'm talking about politicians here, not voters), but I feel compelled to mention that the US doesn't really have a "multi-party system." First, the obvious, if anything its a "two-party" system. But, really its hardly even that. Dems and Reps disagree on some very important issues sure, but really they aren't very far apart on most things. The Democrats support a lot of progressive ideas, but they rarely work to achieve them. Most elected Democrats are product of the same money-focused education as the Republicans. The Republicans may want to keep the minium wage to poverty levels, but the Democrats gave us NAFTA. Motherfuckers, neck and neck.

Oh man, the Republicans took back the Senate. Guys, we (being mostly working class and/or women and minorities) are in some deep shit for the next two years. Bush is now completely unopposed by Congress. What a sad day.

I'm not happy with the election turnout. Also, I feel like I ran into too many people yesterday who didn't plan on voting. That's depressing as well. I usually read the League of Woman voters guide and check out who the Austin Chronicle endorses.

Thanks, Mike.

Hey, have you guys heard of a band called the House Martins or Martians or something like that? With an album that's something like "The Man who wouldn't smile?" I want to get it but can't remember all the details.
(to cop Upma's style) my weekend
day of the dead parade
queso & gossip with a friend
sleeping in and getting cozy during cold, rainy weather
saw two bad movies
watched Angel on tv
started reading (and debating whether to do) The Artist's Way
made cyanotypes - got a really cool one of a bird and the chicago skyline

Hey Upma, your movie was rad. You guys did a great job.

K-I'm comfortable with trickery.

New colors chosen by Kainui.

My hair is pretty thick and it's getting longer. When I sleep I toss and turn from one side to the other, so that when I wake up in the morning my hair is matted to both sides of my head with kind of a poof in the middle. Basically, when I wake up I look like a groggy, fat elvis. Some mornings I even have a nice tight curl up front.