It's interesting to hear your viewpoints on the whole drinking situation. It's still weighing kind of heavy on my heart. If I sound like I'm overreacting, maybe I am. See, it used to be that you could come to Greensboro and go to a show where no one was drinking. There was a time when I met groups of people that were all like me, sober. I didn't have to answer any questions about why I didn't smoke up or anything. I didn't have to find something else to do while they got plowed every weekend. I know lots of people who have these stories about discovering punk rock and about how they suddenly fit in and didn't feel like the odd man out anymore. Well, that's how I felt about straightedge. I was amazed by it. After two years of college that were mostly about watching my best friend in high school devolve into a alcoholic thug, I was extremely grateful to the most straight punk rock community of Greensboro for, not only accepting my, but inviting me in. Now, those people haven't changed in their love for me or my love for them, but the atmosphere has changed. Kids pass 40s at punk rock shows. Not just crusty kids from out of town. People who've been around for years. House shows these days are drunken circuses. My friends go to bars and drink instead of starting bands or staging scavenger hunts or having kick ball games. All that positive energy that sober people harness to have a good time is gone. John and I, and Nathan are the only people left in town that I know of that are committed to sobrity. I won't say StraightEdge because that concept has too much baggage. But the ideas are the same. So, I am heartbroken. I am sad. And I'm tired of people gently lecturing me about how everybody has to make their own choices blah blah blah. I know that. I've made my choices and I will stick with them. What I'm sad about, what I'm disappointed about, is that I suddenly feel like I'm the only one left who's made this choice. I found these friends because I was so alienated by the forty's crew of 1994-96. I don't miss feeling estranged from the people I care about. And I don't want that to happen again.

JT - thanks for the bookcase inspiration. I was thinking that since it's mostly sci-fi books that haven't made it on his shelfs yet, that I could have a space/sci-fi/futuristic (dark blue & silver of course) theme going, but then his love is philosophy, so I was going to rip out pages from old philosophy books and cover the inside shelves with them, who knows. The project starts this weekend, and I have two weeks to make an "I'm so excited to give this to you" present. Rather than a "I spent two weeks on this and you can hide it in your garage if you want to" present.
Mike - don't feel like you're taking too long to get over an ex. It's even harder when your circle of friends is so close. Three months is no time at all in the grand scheme of how long you went out.
Upma - five reasons you should move to Austin rather than SF.
1) we're cheaper
2) we have better swimming weather and better swimming holes
3) cute, arty boys (okay - so SF has this as well - call this one a draw)
4) no need to pay for hotels during SXSW
5) easier lake effecter bonding (i.e. I'll get to hang out with your badass self)

Stephanie, (here's some pinch hitting for Louise) but i should have made some suggestions of my own before now anyways. Perhaps its not time for a gift such as this, It's hard to perscribe a bookcase for someone you don't know...but why don't you drag the boy to a little art supply store and tell him to pick out a few of his favorite paint colors, pick one or two of your own, present the bookcase on a large tarp or drop cloth and have an improvised Jackson Pollack action art experience, stop when you (plural) and/or the bookcase are covered with paint. Personally I've been into beads and sequins lately, silver of course. A shiny bookcase is a way to go, something that reflects beautiful random patterns on the things around it. Or perhaps the other way, maybe using fabrics, really dark plush fabrics like felt, velvet or velour ( a practical note, apply with staple gun), why don't people make luscious spaces for their books (instead of these rigid boxes)? Maybe just a solid painted color with contrasting feather boa embelishment. I guess some of my suggestions go beyond the visual, but, really, what if you gave him a bookcase that was irrestible to touch, or had a particualr, albeit subtle, pleasant smell, (wash it once before painting, once after with your shampoo)? Or maybe paint it the exact same color of his walls, sand all the hard edges, so once installed it appears as if his books are floating, held up by their own significance. Take pictures (or photocopies) of your own favorite books and decolatage. Cover the entire bookcase with text, paper mache, or better, in your own hand write one long love note, sometimes casual , sometimes erotic, words that will be hidden by (books) other words, secrets that maybe even he won't soon discover... These are all just dreams, perhaps something real (and in some ways, dreamier), a platonic bookcase, sanded, treated, prepared, stained and sealed to perfection, polished (the treatment only care and time can provide), an empty monolith for his books. Or perhaps all of these at once, first a love note, then a coat of paint, then a collabroative painting effort, next a layer of fabric, a few shiny things on top, one wisp of perfume. Peel away to different layers in different places, an archeaology of sorts, stratified meanings like the ones we find in our favorite monographs. Or less... A flower, a note, a bookcase -happy birthday.

Right, so I've never been high or drunk. I guess I've tasted various kinds of alcohol, once I was forced to when I worked at the Hotel, had to taste the new line of wines we were selling, I doubt I've consumed more than a glass of wine or beer total in my entire life. The taste is very unappealing to me. So in some respects I can't really call my self true straightXedge but that label never really had any meaning for me anyway. In college all of my friends except for Johnny drank and/or got high. I wouldn't have had a social life if I boycotted parties or boycotted my friends when they weren't sober, Especially at ECU, still known more for its parties than its academics. My choice to stay sober is barely a choice, not because of some sort of life changing event, or some fervent religious or militant stance but simply because I find the act completely undesirable, the same way I don't want to pierce my body, or attend a business meeting, etc... It's barely even a conscious decission, people just don't do what they don't want to do. I had several different responses throughout college for why I didn't drink, none of them really worth mentioning here, but I needed them if only to avoid futile peer pressure mostly from people I didn't really know. I did experience problems occasionally, people thought I was self righteous, and for some time it was even thought that I was a narc, but I kept showing up to parties and no one ever got chastised or busted which made me strange but OK. I don't have a problem with people getting drunk/high on a recreational basis. I think it's even necessary for some. I do have a problem with people who are dependent on a substance, but I understand for alcohol and recreational drugs there's a respectable distance between the two.

I'm not sure what to say about others caving, mostly because I've never known anyone who has. I suppose I would be a little judgemental and critical of people who were very vocal about being on the edge and then caved in some pitiful manner, but no more than when some evangelist is caught giving into some temptation they preached against. I think it's fair that when the selfrighteous fall that they reep a little of what they sow, especially if their caught in a cladestine act. I'd definitely have more respect for someone if they were straigh forward about it, and said something like "you know I've been a hard-ass about this but I'm starting to have a different opinion." This shouldn't be read as a comment on the people Zach and Upma know, because I have no idea about that situation, and I think I would have the same general opinion regardless of whether I drank or not. As for me, I don't see it happening. Occasionaly my friends delight in the idea that I might cave, perhaps in the same way the steroetypical perverted man might delight in the idea of deflowering a virgin, but would ultimately feel really bad about it.

Well, that was a little blathery and a little rough here at the end, my apologies, it's late...otherwise I don't have any other excuses.

So I thought I might have something interesting to say about straight edge but I don't think I really do. I don't expect anyone to feel the way I do about my sobriety, I try not to get involved in others feelings about their own sobriety. Besides it seems like that thread is finished here anyway.

I will say that I empathize with you Zach, on your "upleasant revelation." I have had several of late. Some of which have truly broke my heart.

I'm so busy and getting nothing done.

past Halloween costumes
2000 - Voodoo doll (red pajamas with black lettering spelling curses and knitting needles serving as "pins")
1999 - Aquarium (green wig and plastic fish hanging from all my body parts)
1998 - cowgirl (pink&magenta fringed snap button shirt, black and white cowpatterned skirt, black cowboy boots and a swagger)
this year ???
I do have a long-haired pepto bismol pink wig I'd like to wear. And I've been invited to a dress from the neck up party (well - you're not supposed to be naked - just that your costume can only be from the neck up) that I'll wear it to.
And work will probably have some extravagent department wide costume theme (last year was carnival freaks, before that we drug in branches and leaves to turn our cubes into the forest from the Blair Witch Project). Year before that we were tourists, and "toured" all the other departments. The World Language group got a kick out of us asking them in bad Spanish, French and German where the bathrooms were.

Weezie - it can never be said often enough. You rock.

So I just figured out what I want to get Ted for his birthday. A new bookcase. He has mentioned needing to do something with all the boxes of books around his house. So weezie - I'm looking to you for cool staining ideas. I figured I'd buy an unfinished one (and they come in unusual shapes, like a trapezoid) and then go all artistic over it. Yet, I have no staining, painting, experience in this area. Help.

Superchunk played acoustically Gate City Noise last night. They were good, I guess, but with the exception of the songs off their new album everything they played had an officially released acoustic version that I already knew. I was disappointed that they took no chances whatsoever. Disband opened up for them and were good. Upma, I don't know if you missed it or not, but they did a Raymond Brake cover that felt like it was just for me. I couldn't have been happier.

The weather here is intoxicating. Sunny and 50 - 60 degrees. It makes me wish I lived someplace where the leaves change colors (lucky Mike). But instead I've settled for going out to coffee shops, sitting outside, and drinking hot chocolate. And I want to find a place that serves good warm apple cider. This is my falltime goal.
Went birthday shopping last night. I have seven people to get gifts for in the next two weeks. One of them being Ted. No pressure. I love buying birthday gifts. I went to the toy joy store and the book store last night. Four people out of the way. My brother told me he wants some specific sports memorabilia. Now if I could just think of something to buy/make Ted.
Angie - I love your story. I think I would be equally clueless about celebrity sightings.

Benji and I went to see Built to Spill tonight. They were pretty excellent. Covers performed: "Dream Police" by Cheap Trick, some George Harrison song the title of which I can't remember and "Freebird" by Skynyrd. Cool. Plus, they whupped out "Twin Falls" making those of us who think There's Nothing Wrong With Love is their best record, very happy.

Benji didn't shoot up during the show, so this night, at least, was free of unpleasant revelations. But don't worry. If Benji was riding the white horse, I'd be cool and respect his right to make his own decisions. That's what friends are for.

Thursday I saw a show with Eileen Myles and Kris Kraus (somewhat famous feminist writers) reading, followed by Thurston Moore reading several differnt things, some new poetry, excerpts from his memoirs about arriving in NYC in the late seveties and some poems he wrote when he was 15 on acid blotter. Then he played some new Sonic Youth songs on the acoustic guitar, then Jim O'Rourke came out and they played "psychic hearts" followed by about a 20 minute noise jam. It was supposed to be Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, but they didn't want to be travelling together and/or leave their 7 year old daughter alone. Moore said Sonic Youth lucked out, they had just finished recording their new album and had just sent off their final takes to get mixed down. Their studio is 2 blocks from WTC. They haven't been allowed near the area since the 11th.

The rest of the weekend was art openings at all of the galleries and studios around town. Screenings, exhibits etc... I saw some Carolee Schneeman films (experimental film maker from the late 60s). She's here at UB tonight speaking, so I'm sticking around to see that even though I really can't stand spending my entire day on this campus (which btw, was voted one of the worst looking campuses by the Princeton Review, although that doesn't really mean much).

Yesterday afternoon there was a peace rally in buffalo, and while not widely attended there were people there, and it was nice to know that not everyone has bought into the necessity for revenge and war. Both my younger brothers are draft age. I don't think it will come to that, but still. It's nice knowing that I'm only one bridge away from Canada myself. Actually, Canadians are of two minds about the US right now (it's also nice getting Canadian TV channels with BBC feeds, a different subjectivity). Some are vehemently supportive of the kind of military action Bush is perscribing. Others aren't and are also tired of being snubbed by Bush. First over issues of Mexico being the most important and valued border, and second by Bush now saying England is America's new best friend, when Canada gave some of the most immediate support for this incident, namely accepting flights in transit from Europe once all the US airports shutdown. The man barely knows the Prime Minister's name.

I have some to say about the straight edge issue, maybe even something worth note since it seems like I may be the only one aside from zach on this here blog who has lived a completely sober existence, I just don't have the time at the moment.

Something about my personality makes people choose to stage elaborate lies and deceptions rather than speak to me in a normal honest way like normal people would with each other. I'm pretty disappointed to find that friends I thought were above this are not. I guess everyone, everywhere is exactly the same.

Angie - Wilco was great. I've been listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot off their web site all morning. Even though it rained at the show, they played three encores.
re: drinking, I never did in high school and so rarely in college, I'm usually stuck in the position of driver, the lone sober person in a group of drunks, especially when I dated a (his term) "functional alcoholic"
for the last few years I've been in the Upma camp, an occasional glass of wine or one drink when I go out. It works for me. I remember all too cleary how wretched I feel after more drinking. I do have some friends who never drink and it catches me off guard when making plans, how going to a bar is usually the default. Well, everything in moderation, that's my drinking policy.

I'm a gratified by your support on this subject. Its weighed pretty heavily on my mind for the last two days. Upma, you have to keep this to yourself, but it turns out that Evan has been drinking undercover for a while. My friend Audrey, too. I know that it would be the cool thing to do to brush it off and say, "oh well, they've made their choices and I respect them," but I don't feel that way. I'm disappointed and I can't help thinking something is wrong. Especially, when steps are taken to hide these activities from your friends. I have very familar sinking in the pit of my stomach. I had this feeling all through high school and my early years of college. Finding friends that had no interest in getting fucked up weekend after weekend was incredibly important to me. Oh me.

Mother nature entered me in a wet t-shirt contest yesterday.
It was so beautiful outside when I made plans with my friend beverly to take her dog, Jackson, to Zilker Park. We loaded in the car, me, her, her boyfriend Jim and my friend Stephanie. Merrily we rolled along. Stopping for snowballs (I got watermelon) on Lamar. Driving into the park, what a sunshine beautiful day. Walk down to the part of Barton Springs that is for dogs.
"Hey, did you feel that?"
"I think that was a raindrop"
"Oh, it's probably an isolated shower"
la la la
pause
DRENCH.
raining buckets and buckets. we go to the trees (cause there's no lightning yet) to try for cover. Poor Jackson, brought to the park to play and instead gets a bath from the sky.
"It's like we're going swimming. . . in the air"
Did I mention that I'm wearing a white t-shirt (with a light pink bra). Lovely. We decide to wait it out.
"Um, guys, I don't think it's letting up"
"Do you want to leave?"
"Do you?"
"Look at Jackson"
We all look at Jackson. She's cowering, trying to escape the raindrops, running back and forth. So we walk back to the car. A long walk. A long, wet, walk. At the car, each of us is soaked to the bone. The heat is turned on. One (previously used by the dog) towel is found and passed around. Now we all smell like wet dog. It's a long drive home. As we leave the park, the clouds part, and the sunshines through.

Dave's birthday was tonight. We all drove to an Irish restuarant in Raleigh. The place was nice enough with big wooden tables and mismatched chairs. The food was okay. The vegans (and myself) had a special dish with cabbage and potatoes stuffed in a... potato. The others either had dead animal or a potato pancake thing with mushrooms. I don't think I'm going to be craving Irish food again anytime soon, but it was okay. We had good time. I got a chance to really talk to Kelly Cunningham, who is a hoot. She's going to have a Smooth Moves party where everyone takes laxatives, watches movies and shits all day long. It sounds like a lot of fun. I'm there. She says you feel ten pounds lighter.

My friends Evan and Dave broke the Edge, though. John and I were pretty confused and upset to see it, but we know better than to say anything. Most of you are drinkers. Can you tell me why drinkers take such pleasure in watching a non-drinker cave? To me, it's really sad. It kind of broke my heart. Why would anybody encourage someone who's kept a principled stand for their whole life, more or less, to break that stand? It's terrible. To me it seems like the drinkers are taking advantage of someone in a weak moment to justify their own choices. The common view of drinkers seems to be that the very lives of sober people are a comment on the drinkers. Somehow by making a perfectly reasonable decision, we are condemning those who do not make the same decision. Evan and Dave, John and I are not openly straightedge. No sweatshirts or tattoos. What about choosing not to drink is such a threat? Or is it a challenge?

I'm not blaming anybody there for Dave or Evan's choice. That was entirely their business. Still, I hardly think it's a victory for anyone. I know what they were thinking. "It's an Irish restaurant, why don't we order a Guiness to complete the feel." But, that's terrible logic. Neither of them would have ordered the steak and most people in the restaurant were eating that. Most Irish eat steak. I know I shouldn't be disappointed, but I really am. It makes me feel really isolated. This feeling is the same one I had my first few years of college. The whole incident has really soured a nice night for me.

The coming "war" has been a hot topic of conversation around the Mayflower household and, to be honest, its depressed me enough that I don't really like to talk about it with other people. To disfuse things with humor we've been joking about moving to Canada. I doubt there will be a draft and if there was I'm too old and too blind to go most likely. But most of housemates are not. So we've been talking about how we're going to get a bus and drive through cornfields across the Canadian border. Evan's dad called him the other day and told him that he expected to "raise the occasion" should his country need him. Evan response, "Are you kidding?"

It seems inevitable that the US will attack someone. Which is mindboggling. No evidence. Even if they present some, I'm not sure I would believe it. There's too much riding on an American response for them to allow proof to suggest anything other than what they want. Very likely we'll start bombing Kabul claiming to be targeting only the Taliban, which is terrible enough considering all the Taliban wants is evidence that Bin Laden masterminded the attacks. This is reasonable of course. The US might or might not be able to actually get Bin Laden. The Afghan countryside is rough. Remember, the Soviets fought for years there and eventually had to give up. The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan is sometimes called their "Vietnam," an unwin-able war. The US will probably have to land ground troops to get him. There is another ethical concern than no one mentions. The Afghan countryside isn't really controlled by the Taliban. The Pashtun tribes there are very powerful in some places. They don't answer to the Taliban. They don't even speak the same language. How the US will deal with the completely apolitical and innocent Pashtuns will be something to see.

The Afghani people only grew 30% of the crops neccessary to feed the people this year. To survive they eat animal dung and grasses. This, Americans, is our enemy. Those not killed by the bombs stand a very good chance of starving to death.

This all started bothering me even more when I realized that this is the country that Grace is born into. I can't stand the idea that forces will one day be working on her to convince her that this kind of revenge is not only right, but something that must happen. I don't want her to see the car windows full of flags. I don't want her to hear how America is the land of freedom, the place where everyone can be whatever they want to be. I don't want anyone saying to my niece, "if God be for us, who can stand against us." I wish I could shield her from all of that. Not because its not nice thoughts, but because it isn't true. I don't want her to ever ask, "Who could do this to America" without understanding the answer is right here in our own back yard. Our democracy is built on the backs of those who couldn't fight back. 88% of Americans WILL sleep better when we murder a people whose lives have been reduced to eating feces to live. Is our wealth and comfort worth this? Is it? It's been heartbreaking to watch. I tell you that honestly.

In the coming weeks, when the war protesters are beaten and arrested in the capitol, remind people that nothing we own, even our cherished, smudged democracy is worth the horrors we commit to protect it.

I've been thinking of this Dylan song.

"How can the life of such a man
Be in the palm of some fool's hand?
To see him obviously framed
Couldn't help but make me feel ashamed to live in a land
Where justice is a game."

I just got back from a baby shower at work. I am so ready to be an aunt. I loved shopping for cute, fuzzy, pink things. big surprise there. Now I just need to drop some hints to my brother and his wife.

Someone at work just offered me Veggie Booty - have you had this stuff - a puffed cracker with concentrated spinach and kale? it tastes very of the earth. I've been listening to the new Wilco album online. I may go see them tomorrow night. Tonight is the Southern Culture on the Skids show - I hear they occasionally throw fried chicken at the audience. Should be fun.
Did you guys all watch W. & congress last night?

This week - went to temple on Monday night for Rosh Hashanah. It was nice being in the Jewish community again, something I do only a few times a year. The service talked about the events last week, but the focus was, once again, on community, what keeps us together, stories of hope and people acting out with their best. I tend to have a strict cheese-o-meter for these types of things, but it was comforting. Though I did have to pass through two security checkpoints to attend.
Tuesday, I went and saw Moulin Rouge for the second time. It's a spectacle, but I love it.
Last night the book club discussed the Master and Margarita. Angie - you may like it. It's a Russian novel from the beginning of the century, yet it feels very modern (though that could just be my translation). It's a satire on Russian society under Stalin. And the devil (a very witty, trickster devil) is one of the main characters. Could he be Stalin, perhaps?? hhmmm.
Angie - that is an amazing amount of periodicals to get through. I'm really impressed. I'm lucky if I scan headlines off a few news web sites.
Work is about to be a hurricane of busy. I'm been appointed photo leader (not the real title - but my self-appointed one) on three math books. Off to search for images...

Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to post but have felt like the opposite of a ghost, which one would assume would be a person, but really a ghost is a living spirit who has lost its body, it's other, a living body that's lost its spirit.

I saw ghost world the same weekend everyone else did. I related in some way to every character, save the muscle head who hung out at the convenience store. It made me think of this.

Today I noticed that nothing quirky is going on here anymore. People are so careful and distracted and absent minded about everything that isn't nescesarry that all the bizareness is gone (or perhaps my ability to notice it). Riding the subway, walking the streets, going to school, living...it's all routine and dreaded anticipation these days.

Sweet Buffalo is an oasis of it's own personal gloom. Only the completely vain believe that there's any real terrorist threat here, that all the (already) empty buildings might be a target. Buffalo suffers from feeling even more insignificant than it already did before last Tuesday, I know I certainly do.

I gave up on Ulyses a while ago, read Geek Love by Katherine Dunn instead which was delightfully grotesque and extremely narrative. You can appreciate Joyce more this way I think, knowing it took you three months to cover the same amount of text you did in a week. Just recently, two weekends ago, I picked up Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities, a book I feel has no equal. It's been helpful in dealing with the idea of the city Buffalo, New York and D.C. et al. While I knew most of my friends in NYC wouldn't be close to the WTC, there was real cause for alarm for friends of family who work in and around the Pentagon. Anyway, I think it's interesting that many have personified NYC. The city is the strange casualty. Amidst the astounding loss of life is this perceptibly impervious bigger creature now wounded. And regardless of how people dress that wound (either by rebuilding a replica, replacing it with something else, or leaving it open)
what remains is the reminder of the cities own mortality (which exists outside of us), and that of its inhabitants.

an excerpt from Invisible Cities

"...from the number of imaginable cities we must exclude those whose elements are assembled without a connecting thread, an inner rule, a perspective, a discourse. With cities, it is as with dreams: everything imaginable can be dreamed, but even the most unexpected dream is a rebus that conceals a desire or, its reverse, a fear. Cities, like dreams, are made of desires and fears, even if the thread of their discourse is secret, their rules are absurd, their perspectives deceitful, and everything conceals something else."
I have netiher desires nor fears," the Khan declared, "and my dreams are composed either by my mind or by chance."
"Cities also believe they are the work of the mind or of chance, but neither the one nor the other suffices to hold up their walls. You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours."
"Or the question it asks you, forcing you to answer, like Thebes through the mouth of the Sphinx."

zach - cool website.

Upma - I don't know much about job openings here in Austin. I know it's a bad time to look because a lot of dotcoms went under here. But for film especially...not sure. If I hear of anything promising, I'll pass it on.
This weekend was weird. Trying to act normal, but feeling guilty for that. Like I should be watching CNN, as if that will make the situation better, rather than hanging out with friends and trying to laugh and have fun. So with that mindset, I went and saw Rock Star. Part of me loved it, the escapism, Mark Walberg's stomach, the metal, but I was very aware of being in a theater watching the movie, and every time a character in it boarded a plane, I was taken back to what's been happening this week. Anyway, if you go see it, stay for the credits.
Besides that, I had to watch six hours of defensive driving videos to make up for my speeding ticket a month or so ago. That took boring to new levels. That night I went out with Ted. We've been hanging out/dating/whatever you call it for about a month now. It's going really well. And that was my weekend.
My sister called last night, wanting to know if I'm still coming to visit in two weeks. And I didn't have an answer for her. I want to see her and my parents (who'll be visiting as well). But I don't like to fly and now have the fear of flying to New York with all that's been going on. It's selfish, but I kind of want to cancel the trip and go back when New York has had more time, more time to heal, I guess. My sister said she understood, that she'd come visit me instead if she had the choice. I don't know. I guess I'm supposed to take the stance "what's happened won't change what I'll do, screw them (whoever them is) for making me afraid" but I am afraid. And I know boarding a plane to New York right now isn't going to change that fear. I just don't know. I told her it'd probably be a last minute decision.
Well, I hope this week goes okay.

On Friday I had my first subbing job. I filled in for John's art classes. It was an ok experience. I'm still a little torn about how I think it went. For one thing, it was extremely boring, because all I had to do was show videos. And the kids did not care about the videos at all. Plus, it was intimidating. The kids know the score. The know how bells and hallpasses and stuff work. But, I didn't know any of that. And high school kids are mean. Not to me so much, but to each other. They're heartless. I was more than a little afraid they were going to turn on me. But, it all worked out okay. I made it. I'm hoping to get another job on Monday.

I completely redesigned the website over the last few days. I think it looks good. Click here.

I need to go by the movie theatre (where I used to work) and check on my friend Wahid. I hope that he's not feeling much anti-Afghan heat. It's so stupid that I even have to worry. Wahid's been a US citizen most of his life. His kid is an American through and through. You know, he's my good friend and I'm more than a little pissed that his family might be suffering because of this. I worry.

I suppose it's obvious that my view of things is often left of center, so it should come as no surprise that I read the Nation every week. There offices were damaged by the explosions, so their coverage of the situation was a little late. Now that it's up, you folks can read some clearheaded journalism to cleanse your palette of the CNNs and Fox News' of the world. Also, included is lots of background info on Bin Laden, Afghanistan and the US' presence in the Middle East.

Upma and I had this conversation last night. Next time some mook starts spouting off about the "Arabs" in the "Middle East" remind the dumb fucker that Afghans are neither Arabs nor are they in the Middle East. Bin Laden is Yemeni, but grew up in Saudi Arabia and is therefore an Arab. But the Taliban and the majority Afghans are most certainly not Arabs. They do not speak Arabic (they speak Farsi) and are "Persian" although Lauren tells me Iranians (also "Persians") don't like to be refered to as such. And by my reckoning the Afghanistan is best defined as part of Central/South Asia, not the Middle East.

While you're at it, you can remind him that the words "Arab," "Muslim" and "terrorist" are not synonymous.

And since you're giving him hell, you can ask him to please shove his "put your faith in God" talk up his keister. You can refer him to this article which I couldn't agree with more, even if Jesus himself were riding a lightning bolt around my ass. So there.

I made a couple little changes to our website, that I'm sure most of you are not interested in. But, I did put together a little photo page with a photo of each member of the band. I think it looks pretty good considering my limited photoshop and html skills.

I should probably also acknowledge the influence of John's design style on the layout. I'm new to this stuff. And I should definately thank Rita for the awesome photos.

Here's a link to the main site.

And one to the photos.

Check it out.

z.

I went and donated on Amazon. I don't know what else to do here. The blood banks are currently full. I've heard from all my family in New York; everyone is fine. Things are getting back to routine here, but it's all so strange still. I'm trying to keep busy, but I can't stop thinking about being on a hijacked plane, seeing people jump out of the buildings, hearing the victims' families talk about their losses. In fact hearing the transcription of those last cell phone calls started me crying.

Mike, I feel the same way. I can't stop listening and watching the news. Everything else seems too unimportant.

John standing on the observation deck of Two World Trade Center, April 2001.



Photo of One and Two World Trade Center taken from the plaza below, April 2001.

Another day at work.
After twelve hours of watching news yesterday, now I'm sitting at my desk, listening to NPR.
I don't know what else to say about all this. I'm glad the people I know are safe. I feel awful for all the people who suffered losses. I don't know what to hope for.

zach, please don't stop talking. i'm always interested in the things you say. it is just that i'm usually woefully ignorant about the things you discuss and have little to add. i count on you for informed commentary. you always provide insight, even on the stories i know a bit about. c-span and the bbc website have been laoding most quickly for me.

A few things about today's attack. One, nowhere in the US is under martial law. That only happens when coordinated outside management efforts fail. The NYC and federal cops had a pretty good response and have managed to maintain central control of the situation. As crazy as it is to say, NY and Washington are good targets in that the people as a whole are level-headed about crazy shit. They didn't panic. The cops stayed in control.

Second, the Palestinians had nothing to do with this, which I suppose most people realize already. Third, the Taliban had nothing to do with this. Northern Alliance forces in Afghanistan are occupying most of the Taliban's time and energy. No way they'd risk a US invasion when they are as close as they are to recapturing the north. And there is NO WAY the Northern Alliance are bombing Kabul. Those are US attacks. No question in my mind. The N.A. is too fractured, too weak and too poor to put together a large scale strike on the capital so fast. No way.

Which is ironic. This is the second time in ten years the US has fought an enemy it helped to create. Simply, the Taliban are funded by Pakistan using support, arms and training they recieved from the US. During the cold war, India and Afghanistan were both under the Soviet sphere of influence. In Afghanistan's case, the Soviets actually occupied the country. So, the US built up the Pakistani military, which the Pakistanis have used to create and nurture the Taliban. Who are now hiding Osama Bin Laden, who is almost certainly behind this attack. (The first time the US fought an army they equipt and trained was during the Persian Gulf War. The US was very pro-Iraq during the Iran-Iraq war.)

Sorry. I like to talk these things out and nobody here is interested.

In a day not really ripe for good jokes, here's the best one. I'm watching the deeply silly CNN coverage of the attack and I say in the voice of one of the commentator's, "Somebody get me Tom Clancy! Let's get the bottom of this!" With in seconds he was on CNN as "an expert." I've got ESP!

It's all so much. My sister called me from Manhattan this morning. She's at her office in Midtown, really shook up and scared. I hate thinking that my family is vulnerable, and I can't be there to somehow protect them. And my brother and sister-in-law are visiting her in New York this week. We haven't heard from them, but my sister said they were uptown this morning and should be fine. She isn't allowed to leave her offices, and says she feels safer in her building than out on the streets. When we got off the phone and she told me "love you," I just about lost it. I feel for all the people in DC and NYC. It's such a tragedy.
Austin is still pretty much open. Everyone here at work is crowded around tvs and radios, waiting for any new information. It's just so overwhelming. And awful. And scary.

I just can't believe the video we're seeing on tv. The plane crashing, the tower collapsing. Jesus. Greensboro is not closing as fast as I expected it would. Our city is actually a very attractive military target because of the oil and water pipelines that pass through the city. Greensboro was high in the list of second tier nuclear assault targets during the cold war.

Shelly, I'm sorry to hear you're stuck in N.O. but at least you're not on a plane. you'll be able to go home in a few days and I'm sure your parents are glad to be with you.

Lauren and I are going to go give blood. I don't know if that will help anything, but at least we'll be doing something.

Thank god none of you people are in NYC.

the news from new yourk and dc is so frightning. i'm in new orleans and not sure when i'll get back to seattle.

You cannot resist the awesome might of GRACE THE DUCK!

I am Sweet Superstar.
Upma - please move to Austin - that would be so fantastic!
As for shoes, I have a definate weakness (50 pairs and counting). Though I sometimes sacrifice comfort for style, like with the red and white checked mary janes that turned my feet into plump sausages by the end of the night from discomfort. But mostly, they must pass the four hours of wearing comfort test. It's the only thing that's kept me in line.
So I went in search of a dresser this weekend, but no luck. I did end up getting cushy sheets and comfortor for my bed. More heaven.
I have a reading date with Ted tonight. He has homework for his class, and I need to catch up with my book club's Master and Margarita.
As for Jon Spencer's - I'm not the hugest fan. But there's loads of awesome music moving through here this fall (cause all the students being back).
Ghost World did kick ass. And I'll be seeing Rock Star this week. Love me some Marky Mark.
Anybody out there heard of/like Edith Frost? She's playing here this week, and I'm trying to decide whether to go or not.

I am passionate. I am full of passion. I have passion.

Just played a show at Cedar St. Did very well. Got a minidisc recording of the show. I'm happy and sweaty.

My computer monitor flizzed out on me today, despite being only 3 years old. Shouldn't they last longer than that? So, I'm might be around even less than I have been for a while.

I know this is a very touchy subject with some people, so I tred lightly. My understanding of Zionism leads to conclude that, yes, Zionism is a form of racism. The idea of creating a homeland for the Jews, that is governed by the Jews, while excluding other segments of the population from the government, is racist. In this the same as the Africaaners government in South Africa during aparthied. This the same as the Shi'ite Taliban in Afghanistan. Countries who's citizenship and governments are based on religion or race or gender are oppressive and wrong.

The Israelies themselves are responsible for horrendous human rights violations against the Palestinians. They are as bad, if not worse than the Chinese, on human rights. The Palestinians are worse than second-class citizens there. An example which I read in the New York Times about four years ago. Jerusalem redrew its borders to include certain outlying Jewish areas and an exclude Arab ones. They did this, and fully admitted as much, so that the Arab majority in Jerusalem could not elect their officials, in FREE government elections mind you, to city government. The rationale was the Israel maintained control of the city of Jerusalem therefore Israelies must govern the city, despite the arab majority. Imagine this happening the US. Washington DC's borders are redrawn to taken up some of Northern Virginia so that the African-American majority in DC don't elect another black mayor. Blacks would be throwwing rocks, too. Now, imagine if, in the same scenario, blacks deprived of their votes started to gather in the streets, maybe throw a rock at the all-white police force. What would the response be? Likely, riot cops would crack some heads, but is bad enough. If the US followed the Israelie model, however, we would send in Apache attack helicopters to level the protesters.

But it gets even worse. Imagine now that the US has disenfranchised African-Americans, slaughtered them in their homes and declared open war. You would expected a huge uproar around the world right? You would demand it. But, there is nothing from Europe but unwavering support. Very nice.

So, why is that? Two words, mon-ey. Every major oil producer in the world, with the exception of a few inhospitable post-soviet states, is Muslim. The US and Europe have worked out a pretty good deal. They basically own Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are getting dirty stinking rich off of the west, because they have the easiest to reach big oil supply. The presidents of the major oil companies would swim the Atlantic to personally blow every king and prince in Saudi Arabia if they asked. But, the Saudis are devout Muslims a will only go so far in protection of US oil supplies from other countries. The Israelies would allow the US to build nuke silos in their temples if the US asked them, because the US is funding the civil war against the Palestinians. One third of all US foriegn aid goes to Israel and Egypt. And Israel buys attack helicopters (from France) with it. The current, standing Israel army could defeat the combined forces of all of its Arab neighbors combined. And get this, they always could have. The wars in the fifties and sixties were incredibly onesided. The Israels were wiping people out. But, the US and the British have to have it this way in case they have to attack Iraq or Iran. And they don't care about the Palestinians. The arab voting block in the US is nothing compared to the Jewish one. And there's no economic pressure to support the Palestinians because the Palestinians would very likely tell the US to get their fucking warships off our shore.

It's just terrible. And embarrassing. And the worse part is that people never see anything but pro-Israeli news on tv. They make the arabs look like crazed suicide bombing fundementalists. Which, by the way, the Palestinians are NOT. Palestinian Islam is not the same as say Iranian or even Saudi religion. Palestine has been invaded too often. Its people are too diverse to have developed the serious revivialism of Iranians or the Saudis or, shit even the Uzbeks.

Wow, I said a lot more than I meant to. So, anyway, I'm ashamed of the US for what its done in the UN Race summit. But, I'm proud of the rest of the world for telling us to go hump ourselves.

I hope I haven't upset anyone. I studied the Middle East and Central Asia quite a bit in school and I'm kind of passionate about the subject.

I am in LOVE with my pillow top mattress. I want to stay home and take naps all day. And the fact that it's (still) raining here doesn't help any. But what a nice weekend it was. Went to the Monte Carlo party. They'd rented a blackjack, craps and roulette table. Ted wore a tux. I told him he looked like Wedding Party Ken. (and he did). The guys throwing that party have the total set-up. Full bar, wooden dance floor in their living room, garden patio, and lots of friends willing to dress up. I bought a couple pieces of mirabou (not sure how to spell it) but fashioned myself a stole (and how do you spell that?) Bought a charming large rhinestone necklace at Claire's and pretended they were the family inheritance. Sunday I spent with fam, watching girly movies with my sister-in-law that my brother never wants to rent. We had spinach artichoke dip for dinner. I love doing that. Like last weekend when I decided to just have queso for dinner. Okay, it's not the healthiest choice, but still very delectable.
Monday my bed came! And then I went swimming with Ted (there was a small window when it didn't rain) and had a great time with him. Then went over to my friend Kristin's house last night to watch six more episodes of Sex & the City. Drove home in torrenchial rain. And now, back at work.

Hey, John made a sweet house webpage for my roommates and myself. I thought I'd share it with you. There's not much on it, but there is a picture of my house and some photos of us from Lisa's birthday two years ago. The theme was aliens and stuff. Anyway, look at it here.

Louise, I think you should date a guy with a big bushy moustache. The kind of guy who carries a concealed weapon and bears his teeth lot. Also, he should be addicted to pistachio nuts, so that his lips are always stained slightly red.

Do not disregard my vision.